why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
