look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
