He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
