i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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