apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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