Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
