I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
