I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
