Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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