I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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