when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
You are a genius and a whore.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
