Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
