Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
