Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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