I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Mom said you looked used
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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