he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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