I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
