You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
