What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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