my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
