Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
