if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
