I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I have aggressive nipples.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
