Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
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