I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
