He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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