matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
