8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
