If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
