We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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