I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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