Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
