my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
