had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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