I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
