JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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