You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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