I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
i out mim tonsoeep
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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