I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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