You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Randomize
