i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
