11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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