Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
