You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
