No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
