Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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