Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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