My sheets look like a crime scene.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
birth control should be required to get into college
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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