I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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