So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
